20 for 20

1. Aku perlu siapkan slide presentation kerana due date nya esok malam tapi aku tak siap lagi. Lol. Aku sudah siapkan segelas nescafe untuk bertahan sepanjang malam (resepinya: 1 tspn coffee + 2 tspn sugar +1/3 cup milk + 2/3 cup hot water). Tapi aku main agak-agak je selalunya. Hari ni terlebih susu nampaknya.  ok dah siap ( edited 1 day later).

2. Puasa lepas aku berjaya berhenti minum minuman berkafien. Surprisingly. Namun, sedikit demi sedikit aku perlu ambil kafien untuk buat kerja lewat malam macam hari ini. Macam sekarang ni aku sedang menaip perkara-perkara bukan 'non-essential'. Mood aku kembali untuk menulis (hopefully).

3. Lately aku  merasa content. Dengan diri. Aku belajar apakah kelemahan aku, belajar akan kelebihan yang ada pada diriku aku. My insecurities and such. My worries and fear. And learning to embrace it wholeheartedly. Masih belajar to embrace my flaws. And others too.

4. Belajar untuk bersyukur. Syukur yang sebenar-benarnya. Every single day. Aku kena banyakkan syukur. 

5. Small things add up. Kebaikan berlaku perlahan-lahan. Begitu juga kejahatan berlaku perlahan-lahan. Small things matters. Jangan pandang enteng perkara-perkara kecil. Dan jangan besarkan perkara-perkara yang tak penting.

6. Kelemahan aku? Banyak. Aku sudah catatkan dalam journal peribadi. Tapi kelebihan aku melebihi kekurangan yang aku ada. Thank god. Dan aku introspect diri bila aku perasan perkara-perkara yang buat aku 'triggered'. Perangai-perangai yang perlu diperbaiki. Contoh. Aku seorang yang Emosional + Sensitive. Senang triggered.  Emosional ini bagus, bila kau pandai mengawalnya.  Tapi bila kau tak mampu mengawal, bila emosi mendahului akal. Akal perlu mendahului emosi. Perlu berlatih dan 'aware' dengan diri aku.

7. Bila kau adalah seorang yang highly sensitive , kelebihan kau adalah 'senses' yang sangat tajam. Kau akan cepat 'pick-up' the atmosphere lebih-lebih lagi perangai manusia. Aku seorang yang observant dan sometimes over analyze banyak perkara. Aku boleh observe mood orang sekeliling dan baca fikiran mereka (kadang-kadang salah baca sebab aku bukan bomoh). Tapi serius penat weh sebab kau  macam akan come out dengan macam-macam 'case scenario' dalam kepala kau. Mostly I will come-out with every 'worst case scenario'.

8. Kalau aku seekor binatang, aku adalah seekor eagle.

9. Egois? Aku harus belajar untuk turunkan ego. Perasan bagus, bajet bagus kena tone down. Rasa diri aku je yang betul. Perkara yang build up our egos? Memendam. Tak open up. Merasa yang kau tak perlu sesiapa (seriously aku kena contact kawan-kawan baik yang aku dah lama tak keep in touch). Rasa kau tak perlu share your worries, fears with anyone. Holding up your emotions. End up it eating me up slowly after years of holding it by myself sampai ia menjadi  part of myself. Aku silap percaturan. Aku sangka, aku menyenangkan manusia sekeliling kerana aku sangka my story/worries/hope/fears/dreams/ insecurities tidak signifikan. Perkara-perkara begitu yang membina ego dalam diri.

10. Aku harus belajar untuk berdamai dengan masa lalu. Especially my failures. Kerana itu adalah triggering point yang buat aku kena panic attack buat pertama kali bulan lepas (ini adalah diagnostic aku sendiri ya sebab aku belum jumpa psych). Yes, my FBI in me makes me investigate what really happened during that time sebab aku confuse gila is it anxiety attack or panic attack . I literally can't breathe and has shortness of breath (macam kau lepas sprint kena kejar anjing), surge of emotion and menangis gila-gila , sweating + trembling, jantung aku berdegup laju, dan ada perasaan yang sangat-sangat takut (aku tak tahu apa yang aku takutkan tapi aku rasa takut gila2 in the midst of that chaos) dan aku confuse time tu sebab aku tengah solat maghrib rakaat ke-2 nak baca Al-fatihah, and aku start menangis dan masa yang sama aku cuba tenangkan diri sambil nak baca Al-fatihah. Menangis time solat is normal. Tapi bila berlaku kau tercungap-cungap tak boleh bernafas dengan semua sensasi yang berlaku dalam waktu yang singkat yang kau tak boleh kawal, it was terrifying.

11. Penat ok lepas kena 1st attack. Even dah sudah solat, aku punya breathing mcm orang tak cukup nafas. Dada berombak. Aku kena tenangkan diri, keep repeating 'it's okay' berjuta kali sambil buat deep breathing. Dan terus terbaring atas katil dengan telekung  yang lencun oleh air mata + hingus. Badan jadi lemah. Drained.

12. I am still unsure of what it was? Was it a dream? No of course not. But why me? 

13. Macam mana perasaan menjadi manusia yang normal? Of course semua orang ada masa sedih, gembira. Aku tertanya-tanya, how  does it feel to feel being normal? Being default. Bila kau tak perlu berfikir macam aku? 

14. Am I alone? With these weird feelings. The hopelessness. And that phases when I felt that death is the best choice. I am sorry Allah.  I am glad I'm able to get out of that dark hole. 

15. Speaking about that moment is triggering. And I don't wish to open the pandora box again.

16. My internal struggle brings me back to HIM. It has always been like that.

17. I must pick up my broken pieces of shattered self, and make something beautiful out of it. Make something beautiful out of something broken.

18. Complicated betul life aku. It's okay. It's only dunya. Nothing is perfect! May I passed this test and enter Jannah from wherever doors I wanna go. It calms my heart to know that Allah is the best planner. He tested me because he wants to bring me back to HIM.

19. Being vulnerable is scary. I must learn to ask for help in order for people to help me.

20.  Why I don't speak up about my struggles? No one cares people got other problems too. They'll judge. They say to go solat lebih, baca Al-quran. Iman you kurang. They all semua iman lebih kot. They don't aware of these things bcos they never experienced it good for them btw. Good for you who never felt shitty because its not the best feeling ever. 

21. I missed being 7 years old and never care about the world. 

22. I sincerely pray that I will die peacefully. 

Hello 2020

Terbuka akaun gmail lama.

Membaca entri-entri lama.

Cerita 10 tahun yang lepas.

Bittersweet. Itu yang aku rasa kini.

2020.

Can I be honest? 

I feel like I want to die last year. 

Tapi aku takut sebab aku tahu aku tak ready, banyak dosa. Iman senipis kulit bawang itu menahan aku daripada buat benda-benda gila. Aku masih tahu dosa pahala. Syurga neraka.

But there was time I felt I want to slit my wrist. I kept looking at the blade I have kept on my drawer.

But I don't. I don't go that far. I just hit my head hard several times with a handphone at that moment and do smth to hurt myself ( I don't know what happened but I was so mad at something and feeling frustrated). I just cried my self out after that.

I want to completely disappear. 

Perasaan mahu hilang dan lenyap memang aku sentiasa rasa.

From everyone, from everything.

2019 was a rough year. Emotionally, Mentally.

I held the pain alone. Of course no one knows.

I have no one to turn too.

Even if I'm surrounded by people/family, it's so hard to explain to them what I've been thru.

So fucking hard. 

I don't know what it was,

The anxious feeling, the feeling like I am not worthy, I do not matter, I hated myself,

All the bad emotion surges up eating me slowly...

I was caught up in the darkest moments in my life.

It started in early 2019, but later in september 2019 until January 2020....

It was hell.

I am shutting my self down completely,

Locking myself in my room, only come out when everyone not around. Literally avoiding my family members. I'm sneaking out of my room for food and bring them to eat in my room.

I don't speak to anyone, don't reply friends message (I don't have that many friends, just casual friends),

My room is a whole mess (Ada 3 bakul baju tak lipat dan I just let them be until bulan 2 baru I lipat), and I don't feel like doing anything other thing. I just live and doing the bare minimum so that my fam members won't suspect me being unusual. 

I literally lied to avoid going to family gathering events. I'm a bad liar btw.

I'm always a homebody. But I avoided going out at that time. I stayed in my room when visitors come to our house. I want people to leave me alone.

Constantly tired. 

Forgetful.

Always got headache.

sometimes sudden nausea and vomit (its not even food poisoning).

Irregular period time. Always got istihadah after period.

There were times my appetite gone, there were  times I want to pig out.

It's not all sad feeling and crying and mellow. 

There were times I cry my heart out before sleep. Sobbing and crying out silently while everyone was sleeping. Wake up next day and pretend everything is great.

Sometimes I have to force myself to cry or to feel any emotion.

There were times I don't feel anything. and it's the scariest feeling.

All I want to do is lie on my bed, browsing the net, watch korean variety show, movies, surf youtube all day err day. I just don't want to think about anything. It was my source of distraction.

sometimes aku tak mandi pun or paling  ok sekali sehari je.

I sleep late and wake up late. I often missed subuh prayer bcos I slept late. I am not a person that will miss solat. I performed my solat 5x per day before this but there were days I have to force myself to solat. And there were time I can't even concentrate on my solat. 

I wasn't being my normal self. I was living like a zombie. Just to get by. 

I abandoned my self and slowly letting go..

I am all alone.

It's like kau jatuh dalam lubang yang dalam dan kau tak mampu nak keluar daripadanya.

Ada ramai orang yang lalu lalang di tepian lubang itu.

But tak ada siapa yang nampak kau tengah minta tolong . Tak ada siapa yang mendengar.

Sebab suara kau tak keluar rupa-rupanya. Kau hanya meminta tolong tanpa suara.

It was all in your mind. 

Yang berada di atas tak nampak kau ada di dalam lubang dalam tersebut.

Kau jadi benci dengan semua orang yang berada di atas.

Kau rasa mereka tak pedulikan kau.

Tak sayangkan kau. benci pada kau.

I grow distant from them.

That was what it like how I felt.

And I was living in that deep hole all alone. Suffocated and isolated alone.

It was so hard.

I am well aware I have all the symptoms of depression. 

My overanalyze /overthinking self, did it for me. I am all aware about this things bcos I have a friend that been clinically diagnosed by doctor to have MDD (major depressive disorder)and BPD. I know a thing about this illness.

I did a test ( suddenly tak ingat nama dia apa but it's like saringan untuk mental health before ke klinik ). I did it and my score was extremly high on depression, anxiety, stress. This is not my firsti time buat ujian ini. I hold my courage and after countless time anxiously erasing and writing back the text  to her, I finally showed to my friend (diagnosed with MDD and BPD) and ask her opinion. She shocked and asked me what happened. She asked me to quickly go to the nearest KK and go for checkup and get referral letter from dr. to refer me to psychiatric.

I didnt go that quickly. I text her on sept/oct and went for  doctor on late november.

Aku ingat lagi I was all alone in my house. My fam went on holiday (I don't want to follow and prefer to stay at home in my room), I had a breakdown (now I cant remember what happened). I muster my courage to do it once and for all. Susah wei.. nak admit kau perlukan bantuan. nak yakinkan diri kau sebenarnya ada problem. susah. but aku fikir masa tu, nak sihat ke tak? ke kau nak jadi lebih teruk dulu baru nak admit kau ada problem.

Aku nekad pergi dalam keadaan diri yang malas. Malas untuk buat apa-apa. Malas nak hidup. Aku capai tshirt yang proper mana yaang ada dan jeans serta tudung yang tak bergosok pun.  Lap air mata. Put on lip balm and sunscreen. Look at a mirror and try to fake a smile. Berjaya. At least aku nampak macam manusia sekarang. Aku start enjin kereta yang dah lama aku tak start..lama tak keluar rumah. Aku ke klinik swasta. 

Aku park kereta depan klinik. Aku duduk dalam kereta hampir satu jam. Aku masih berperang dengan diri. Masuk atau tak ke kilnik. Hampir satu jam, aku beranikan diri masuk ke klinik. Beri nama pada nurse di kaunter. Dan menunggu namaku dipanggil.

I met the dr. I said I want to get a referral letter to go to physiatric and want to show him my saringan result. He refused. He want to hear directly from me why? What happened..

Aku ingat lagi soalan dia. 

"Apa yang awak rasa?" "Bagitahu saya apa yang awak rasa?"

And..upon hearing that question.

I choked up. Holding my tears (I was fine before and don't think I will cry before meeting him).

And I cried...buckets..I never imagine to cry in front of complete strangers. I always cry alone and hated to cry in front of people.

He patiently waiting for me to finished crying and calmed down before asking me to get the tissue. And while wiping my tears I started to open my mouths. While listening and asking series of question, he began to key-in the info I gave in the desktop. He then gave me a refferel letter.

and guess what...

I have not yet go to the physiatric.

Until this day..

I still kept the letter (I have not read it bcos he sealed the letter).

I am still afraid...I want to go but I am afraid..

Finally in feb 2020, I get better..slowly..I opened up, I made plans, I clean up my messy room (I cried when cleaning up my room as there were thick speck of dust on the furniture and everywhere, bunch of hair falls). It reminds me how much I've let my self go...I slowly fold and arrange my clothes back in my messy wardrobe and finally organize them. I get rid of old clothes. I change my room layout. I started to decorate and get new things for my room. I am still in the process of making it as I've planned. Now, I feel like I want to live. But in between this times, there were days (week) I felt down for no reason( i dont know the trigger)...and tonight I am reminiscing (after reading old blogpost) how I have spent my years all this while and felt crappy inside....next week I'm going to be 31 years old. But..I don't feel like I have done anything particular. It feels like I am still stuck. In the past. And worried of the future. It's like when you drive a car, you press both accelerator and brake at the same time. I feel like I've always live life like that.

I shall stop now ( My head hurts now and my neck and shoulder ache all over).

I am just going to post this insidious side of me.

Welcome to my messy life.

It's not pretty at all.