I'm not okay.

It's a deal

The verdict is out.
Dan amat menepati jangkaan.
I flunk one paper. Those paper that I despise the most. Read part 1 and part 2 if you still didn't get the picture.
But I scored my thesis.
Okaylah, win-win situation *sedapkan hati*
cgpa turun 0.5, gpa naik..apakah?

Yeah, orang lain (most of my friends), fail masa first or second year..
But aku, fail masa last year. Padan muka...!! Buat hal lagi...
At least, they can make up and repeat those paper within graduation time,
tapi aku...
kenalah extend satu sem. Satu sem aje..Nasib lah labu~

Serve you right.
Betulah. Hidup ni memang surprise.
Satu masa kita akan rasa kita hebat, ada semua, everything fall into places
Dan akan tiba satu masa
semua jadi tak kena,
Dan kita pun jatuh.

Oleh kerana dah banyak kali aku terjatuh atau sengaja menjatuhkan diri sendiri,
It's not a big deal anymore.
Once you fall, get yourself back up again.
Simple.

Bodoh

Gila...
Buang masa wei.
Aku tak bodoh la.
Tak ada kerja ke ?

Aku syak dia dpt nombor aku dr budak hantar pizza tadi.
Gila...
Tak ada masa aku nak layan.
Kau salah orang lah bai.
I'm not that desparate!!!
Bodoh!

Benci

Been eating crab crap for quiet sometimes.
Kafe tak buka.
Dah lah makanan tak sedap langsung.
Nak keluar tak ada kereta.
Shoot betul lah.

Nak balik rumahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

Just a day

I think she's mad at me.
No sms nor a single call.
She's leaving without a word.

*Currently Playing : High, James Blunt*

Beautiful dawn

lights up the shore for me.
There is nothing else in the world,
I'd rather wake up and see (with you)

Beautiful dawn

I'm just chasing time again.
Thought I would die a lonely man, in endless night.

But now I'm high; running wild among all the stars above.
Sometimes it's hard to believe you remember me.

Beautiful dawn

melt with the stars again.
Do you remember the day when my journey began?
Will you remember the end (of time)

Beautiful dawn

You're just blowing my mind again.
Thought I was born to endless night, until you shine.

High; running wild among all the stars above.
Sometimes it's hard to believe you remember me.

Will you be my shoulder when I'm grey and older

Promise me tomorrow starts with you,
Getting high; running wild among all the stars above.
Sometimes it's hard to believe you remember me

~~~~

Will you be my shoulder when I'm grey and older?

Coward

*Currently playing: Map of the problematique, Muse*

I just realized that it has been 10 years.
Getting over something is somehow very hard.

~~~~

Sms inbox

"Are you free tomorrow? Can you help to drive me to airport?" -Sms from one of good friend here.

She's leaving tomorrow.

Without second thought, I replied

"Sorry I can't"

I can drive you anywhere but not to the airport. Specifically in Kuching.

Call me coward, chicken, turkey...

It's a fear I'm not yet getting over.

Mood-less

*Currently Playing: Saint Agnes and the Burning Train, Sting*

Have a good day people.
My day is pretty boring here.

Once a lover always a lover

*Currently playing: Blurry, Puddle Of Mud*~High School Fav Song

I just got a news rumors saying that my little sis got a BF (boyfriend)...
Already?
Langkah bendul kottt..
The other younger sister reported that  her sister got call every 10 minutes eversince she's back from semester holiday.
One day my sister curik-curik dengar the other sister talking to the phone and it's a man voice. Sah!
I was like, really?
Are you for real?

Wow, 
I will defiently going to lecture her if only she's toying with the guy.
Because I knew my sis very well.
She's a very very very good girl and naive and I'm afraid someone might just checking on her.
And she fall into man's trap. God forbid.
She's very soft yet so degil.

Love can turn you blind.
And make a fool out of yourself.
Tak macho.

Antara contoh-contoh yang aku dah lihat di sekeliling especially my friends,
Kau nasihatlah apa pun dekat orang yang tengah hangat bercinta,
Satu benda pun tak masuk dalam kepala diorang.
Semua benda sweet.
Salah pasangan tak nampak langsung. Semua baik-baik belaka.
Tapi bila dah bergaduh....
Tsunami + Tornado.

Well, If you've find one then it's good.
Benda-benda macam ni 'just happen'.
Kot. Aku tak tahu.
Deep down memang aku rasa my sis yang akan kahwin dulu from me.
And I just can't imagine my self being married any time soon.
Maybe lagi 7 tahun kot. Maybe 8, 9, 10....who knows.
And now I'm 22.

Nak jadi selfish dulu boleh?
Tak nak fikir pasal siapa-siapa dan apa-apa.
Kenapa dia dan apa yang dia ada.
Kenapa dia suka aku dan kenapa aku suka dia.
Teka itu dan teka ini.
Seriously, sangat memenatkan.

Entah.
Aku tak rasa aku layak untuk sesiapa.
Aku selalu fikir macam-macam.
What's next after  a  relationship?
What will happen the next after 10 years of marriage?...
Bila anak dah 3 orang, is there still 'spark' somewhere in the heart?
Tak bosan ke? Boleh ke cinta tu kekal sampai rambut pun dah memutih?
Sama lagi ke cinta yang ada sejak awal mula-mula dating?
Sama lagi ke layanan kita terhadap pasangan?
Sama lagi ke pandangan kita terhadap si dia?
Ramah lagi ke kita sama macam waktu mulu-mula berkenalan?
Walau alaignment badan dah lari, muka makin berkedut, ingatan makin hilang, perut makin buncit,
sayang lagi kah kita pada pasangan?
Kalau ditakdirkan kita jatuh sakit badan dah tak sebugar dulu, setiakah dia pada kita lagi?
*This is the pessimist side of me talking*

Mens are visually stimulated. Fact.
So, to win their heart, you just got to look good.
But, I seek someone that  can look beyond what lies ahead of him.
He's not just looking, but seeing with his heart.
A  men with reasons.

Be a bitch, you'll get one too.
It's karma.
Beware of what you wanna be.

Frust

Tall, sepet and fair.
Hehehehe.
Sepatutunya, tall, dark and handsome.
But I prefer the first premise.

"tall, sepet and fair"

So physical.
Ahah~ setiap orang ada preference masing-masing kan?
And I 'prefer' those.
Tapi kita tak akan dapat apa yang kita nak.
Kita cuma akan dapat apa yang kita 'perlu'.
Kalau setakat pasang angan-angan, no hal lah.

Kenapa kena tall?
Because rasa safe kalau the other half tu lebih tinggi dari saya yang 164cm ni.

Kenapa kena sepet?
Because mata saya bulat. So, I alway turn on bila tengok someone yang has the sepetness  element. Senang cerita mata yang kecik ah...*demand nak mampos* Deep setamy eyes...kekeke...

Kenapa kena fair?
Kena contra dengan saya yang 'dark'...Kalau dua-dua 'dark' , what will happen to our offspring... I want cute babies.hehehe...Kena balance...

Oh, sangat berangan!!!!
Tapi saya sedar,
We will always  get what we NEED
But not what we WANT.
So, keep on dreaming..Tak kena bayar pun kan..

Dan, saya patah hati lagi bila my latest crush dah kahwin.
Oh~baru nak minat, rupa-rupanya dah kahwin.
Terus cancel walaupun tak rela. Suami orang is so not on my list.
Cun Hee Opaa~otteke???.
Cinta pun terhalang lagi....sob sob sob....

Over

It's over. Almost come to the finish line. Almost.
No more thesis thingy. *Phew!!!!*
The presentation is over (last wed).
Just got to do some many corrections.
Submit yang dah dibaiki isnin ni, then boleh proceed proses menjilid thesis.


But....
But...
But...

I'm glad it's over, but...
Not just yet.

1 complementary english courses.
1 elective courses. (repeat). LOL.

And I can finish it by taking intersession at this moment.
And grad on time this October.
But....

I refuse.

1. I want a break. Tolonglah. Tak larat dah nak duduk sini. I need one. So badly. My mind body and soul need a break. Missed my family, dumbell, home, car,bed, astro, lazy day, cinema outing with my sis, mixer................ *over  gila*

2. I might failed big time on one core subject. So, be prepared to start all over again. Demmit. The detail in those entry. Part 1 and Part 2

Somehow, bila tengok all my coursemate present their thesis and all so well meanwhile I was doing so so just by puting minimal effort, it makes me sad.
Wow, they really did well.

Being a loser again?
AGAIN?

I didn't do well for a reason.
I knew it all.
I almost giving up halfway the journey. Almost at the edge.
But, I didn't stop. Thank God.
See, I win some and lose some.
This is not the end.
Just the beginning of something.

I preserve.
I learn from making mistakes.

My Silent Encounter

My Silent Encounter

we sat opposite each other
not knowing the other's destination.
you looked like an angel,
flawless skin,
thin pink lips,
flowing hair without gravity.
i smiled a little not knowing where to,
then reluctantly looked away.

your frames,
hooked faithfully on your bridge,
but i have to say,
your shirt seemed too big,
could they be hiding your wings?
could it be underneath your deep blue shirt?

i tried,
i really did try,
but i could not stop myself,
from stealing glimpses of you.
how could i?
but how could you wrong me,
where else should i look,
if not straight ahead?

that's not a crime,
not a crime to look straight ahead, no.
but you my dear,
yes, you know you were wrong.
not because we interlocked,
neither because you hid your smile.

as he entered the train,
i had already noticed the uniqueness,
you took awhile,
only once he sat beside me.
the trojan was an eye-catcher,
the blonde made it attention seeking,
yet you my dear,
did not anyone tell you its not nice to stare?

so you were guilty,
of staring at him,
at his uniqueness of awkwardness,
and i caught you there and then,
if only i was a man in blue,
instead all i could do,
was laugh at the wide-eyed you.

i simmered down the laugh,
and smiled pleasantly,
as you shifted glances my way,
i could see it in your eyes,
the guilt of staring you realized,
yet could you not help yourself,
as i could not help myself,
holding back laughter in your view.

we parted ways,
how i wished we had not.
i'll still think of you,
and the fun we had,
or at least on my part alone,
and maybe we'll meet again.
maybe on the train again. 

First time reading this poem, immediately 'Again by Bruno Mars' rhymes up in my mind.

This sweet poem was written by Sharman.

Credit goes to him *clap clap clap*


P/S: Thanks Sharman!!

mendebarkan

Beberapa jam lagi, aku akan di nikah kan. Opsss..salah.
Present thesis. Cuak.
Specifically pada jam 10.46am-11.01am. 15 minit je kot.
Tapi, 15 minit yang paling mendebarkan dalam hidup.Cett.
Padahal ikut logik 15 minit je.
Perasaan macam  akan kene tembak dengan peluru. (ditembak oleh lecturer)
oh~aku redho..
Mintak doa.
Time kasih.

single but not available

Salah satu sebab mengapa aku rasa 'couple'/'berpacaran'/'lovebirds' and so on * when 2 heart intercept each other*
menjengkelkan ialah apabila kita akan jadi 'infatuated' kepada pasangan masing-masing. Sikit-sikit dok smsed/called/facebook-ing/skyp-ing/ym-ing. Like you got no other things to do.

Besides, they tend to put on a fake mask. Pretending to be someone else to bait a lovers heart. So fake.Fake 1000 times. Pretentious.

Soalan wajib setiap hari:

" Yang (sayang) *fill in the blank with whatsoever mushy mushy name*, dah makan ke?"

"Awak rindu saya tak?" (padahal baru jumpa kat kelas 2 jam lepas)

"Jom keluar. Nak jumpa. Rindu gilaaaaaaaaa ni" (gilaa ke nak jumpa sehari 5 kali?)

"Busy ke? Kenapa tak balas msg ni sayang?" ( kalau 5 minit lambat balas sms)

Tak puas sms, bergayut 7 jam sampai telinga jadi panas. Terkondensasi telinga dibuatnya (sila rujuk science form 1) . Tak tau lah  dok cerita apa kan sampai 7 jam. Fuhh~lama gila tuh. Dari lepas isyak sampai nak masuk Subuh.

24 jam asyik terkenang akan kekasih hati yang jauh nun di sana (padahal satu kolej kot). Ironically, the other so called half itu sikit pun tak heran pasal kita. Tertipu.

Bagi aku, it's painfully excruciating thing to do.

Attachment.

"The moment you get TOO attached to things, you'll screw it up". It's a fact.Period.

"Loving people means giving them the freedom to be who they choose to be and where they choose to be. Love is allowing people to be in your life out of chocie. To have something or someone, you let go."
-Andrew Matthews-

I treat things (relationship) seriously.
Setakat nak pasang dua tiga spare tyre (scandal thingy), goofing around and checking things out,
I'll skip that. Thanks, but no thank you.
So not unfair for your 'other half' who is  insanely crazy at you.

Brace your self.
You are about step into the zone.
Where you are a hostage.
Innocent heart at a stake.
Prisoner of war.
War of love.

And when I'm serious,
I'll say "game over".
"we should get married".

This is serious business dude!
So dead serious.

Note to myself.

 "because we are pleaser. We are much more stronger than we give ourselves credit for. Don't ever forget that"

Someone told me that (you know who you are!!). And it come to my sense. All of them is true. I face pitfall and what so bad nasty thing just happend this morning. Sometimes, we are much more stronger than we have even realize.

What I did was gather back all my spirit. Writting back what I lost. And going to send it to my lecturer tomorrow. I know, I had already lost a couple of marks becaue of overdue. But so what??? Atleast I didn't terjun to uni tasik. LOL. God forbid.

Surprisingly, I pretty much handle it cool-ly...hahahaha...

what an eventful event.

Okaylah, need to finish up all the thesis matter. Thanks for those who secretly pray for me. I know, I'm stronger now and didn't back off when 'tornado' srtikes me.

I'm so dead...

Know what, something BAD just happened.........a couple of hour ago. Around 9.08am.

I don't know if I should cry or laugh or what..

I want to cry but I just can't.....

should I curse or just stay there motionless...

Dugaan apakah ini?

Pagi ni kena submit thesis. Before 10am.

I almost finished it. Almost....

Then, one second. Microsoft Office Failure..

Hilang semua yang baru di write up. All tables, figures, conclusion and allllllllllllllllll goneeeeeeeeeeee....

And now, here I am writtng up something in my blog, clueless of what to do.

After slepless night, aching and soring all of my body, mata panda somemore..

Dugaan.

This really make me wanna fly home FOREVER and never come back again here and leave all the mess.

Serious, I feel like buying online ticket and fly home now. Can ah?

I serious honestly hate this feeling..

For just a second, can i just think about me and never involve anyone in this life.

Can I just be selfish a while and never thinks about what others might feel.

God, I can't even describe the feeling I'm having now.

Something bad happen, I can't even cry, can't curse, can't smile, and just be with it.

Welcome life. 

Of hope, fear and love

Mama telefon tadi.
Diorang tengah main badminton dekat court Seremban 2.
Four of them. Ayah, mama, minah senget , mamat romeo. huhahuahua...
Dan ain a.k.a ustazah akan balik hari selasa ini. Urghhhhh~syoknyer wei. Jelaous gila kot..

Eh, seriously hari ibu bila ek?
Hari ni ke esok. Sebab aku nampak mostly blogger banyak buat entry pasal mum and all.
Is it today guys? Oh, tadi tak wish pun dekat mama.
Sorry, mummy. You know how i love you right. No words can ever describe it. Clearly I'm not a person with many words. No worries, mummy knows well anaknya ini.
Guna telepathy sudah.

Urghhh~
Hari isnin kena submit thesis. Final.
And aku tak siap lagi weh. Apa nak jadi ni dengan kamu wahai cik hana???
Okay, I want to spill one dirty little secret that no one should ever knows. Hahaha, now what....every knows already.
Aku hanya hantar sekali sahaja draft thesis. Itu pun hantar introduction, literature review, methodology. Result and discussion aku tak tunjuk lagi pun dekat Dr.S padahal itulah part yang paling crucial. 60 % kot....
Dan I'm so ever relax as if thesis itu macam assignment pulak. Ini yang semakin menakutkan aku ni.
I'm the worst ever student. My bad.

Aku punyai perangai buruk yang bilamana aku dah putuskan aku 'tak suka' sesuatu, maka 'tak suka' lah jadinya. Kerja pun cincai boncai.Tak fokus. Main-main.  Tapi bila aku dah start suka sesuatu, aku akan fokus dan give all out lah. Pelik jugak perangai macam nie sebab apa yang aku selalu jumpa/face adalah benda-benda yang aku 'tak suka'. And sometimes, it makes me demotivated. Dan aku tak suka demotivated. Lain jadinya nanti. Breakdown. Buruk rupanya bila dah 'breakdown'. So ugly.

Well, it's life. What do you expect? Smooth sailing all the way up till the end. Now way man. This is my life, and sure it has something to teach me. That's the reasons why I met all those 'turbulance' . What does not kill you will make you stronger right? I'm still alive now, knowing that I will getting srtonger day by day. All thanks to the hardship.


Face the fear and say, "so what....!!?"
Whatever happens, I'll handle it.


Owh, sedikit terpesong. Now, I need to complete my thesis. Asyik tangguh tangguh je.Tak siap-siap lagi. Buruk benor perangai.Mummy how i wish I could fly home right now. Yes right now..*owh, sangat tak realistik!!*


One thing I feel terribly sorry for that matter is how I could not give my best to my supervisor. Dr.S...Serious rasa bersalah wei. Jahatnyer aku. Rasa bersalah tak dapat buat yang terbaik. Oh~I hate this feelings.Tsk tsk tsk..Aku rasa nak hantar note or card "I'm sorry" kat semua lecturer. For not giving my best where supossedly I should have. Demmit....

Aku selalulah fikir kalau aku jadi pensyarah ke suatu hari nanti,  aku akan treat my students equally. Tak ada pilih kasih ke. Yang paling senyap itu lah yang akan aku 'kacau'. Treat them as a friend. I wish one day I could be that kind of lecturer .*who knows ait* If only I'm  happend to be a techer/lecturer.

I miss my last Saturday Outing

Tentunya sekarang di saat ini mereka sedang tawaf keliling trek kompleks sukan Paroi.
Owh.
Ayah yang muncit lite-lite dengan steadynya keliling trek more than 10 times. Jogging beb!!
Mama yang slim brisk walk paling-paling pun 7 trek.
Si ani minah 'slim wannabe' semestinya mengambil kesempatan ini untuk mencairkan lemak-lemak tepu.
Paan si budak kurus keding tinggi melangit yang langsung tak fokus untuk berlari. Tak sampai 2 trek, dah cabut pergi main tennis. Sorang-sorang pulak tu.Pukullah dinding sorang-sorang paan oiiii. huahuahua~

Dan selepas itu, kami akan menebeng ke Tobing a.k.a warung tepi tebing.Hehehehehe..breakfast yaw. Setelah penat berhempas pulas di gelanggang umpama jaguh, haruslah fuel up balik ye tak. Aku biasa order soto nasi sama teh o limau panas. Slurppp...
Mama-sama with me, tapi air kopi radix
Ayah- roti canai, air kopi radix
Minah senget-ikut mood dia lah..hari tu di makan mee goreng + sambal + telur mata
Pa'an-Roti canai, milo ais

Pas tu pergi pasar...

Owh, tunggu lah aku. Lagi 3 bulan harap-harap nya I'm back for good. Forever. Haish~
Jadi budak yang merantau, memang selalu jadi macam ni. Sabo ajelah.

Everything's going to be okay!!!

Masih terngiang-ngiang frasa "everything's going to be okay" tatkala mata mahu lelap pagi tadi. Dalam diam ,aku tak henti henti repharase those words. Make a mental note to my own self that "everything's going to be okay". Sampai lah mata terlelap. Dalam pada itu juga bila aku bangun dari lena, those words keeps coming to me.."everything's going to be okay"...Wow, how positive affirmations can change my way of thinking.

Strange.But I feel holy. "holy" seems too strong.Ia lebih kepada rasa tenang and in control despite kecelaruan minda yang melanda aku. Catching datelines and study and personal stuff messing around me...It's the normal problems for people at this age right?

Now, I want to view everything that happen to me has a reason for it to happen. No events is bad or good. They are here to teach me a lesson. That's it.

I hope, those who are in problems, troubles, rasa susah hati gundah gulana, please keep in your mind "everything's going to be okay"..Keep chanting this mantra dengan yakin dan Insya Allah, at least it could ease up the pain a little bit. Maybe there'll be light in the end of the dark tunnels, who knows right..?


Smile in every single moment. Feel that your whole body is smiling too.


Gratitude Notes:
1. I woke up and find my self kicking and still alive
2. I can see, touch, smell, taste, hear. What a bless~
3. I'm at my healthiest peak . No pain. Not on a medication.
4. I have a mum and a dad that I could turn on too.
5. I choose to change my thoughts and embrace good positive things.



P/S: Still, I have not finished yet my thesis. Sobs, arghhhhh I boroke my promise. huahuahua.....

This could be a goodbye.

Untuk makluman, lagu di atas ni seperti yang aku cerita di entri ini.

I think I need to stop blogging for now. *sepatutnya dah lama kena stop pun*

Rabu ini ada satu paper lagi. Diikuti dengan Rabu  minggu depan (paper antara hidup atau mati).

Dan malangnya aku masih tidak menyiapkan thesis yang harus di hantar pada isnin depan.

Oh~I's such a pro Procrastinator. Excuse me for that ya. My bad~*this is a serious disease dude!!*

The dateline and all is taking it's toll on me now.

I'm choking and nearly dead by tomorrow if nothing is changing nor moving.

So, sayonara for now, till then we'll meet again.*Ceh, bajet lame nak menyepi*

I vow not to 'socialize' in cyber world till  I've finished my thesis and submit it to Dr.S.Period.

Dear reader, if you happen to read this, please please please PRAY for me okay.

Doakan tuan punya belog yang hina lagi berdosa ini untuk berjaya mencapai 'matlamat'nya ini. 

I'm afraid of my self for being too cool. Haish, ape nak jadi nih...That's the scariest of all.

Kawan-kawan sekalian, doakan saya ye.

Terima kasih, sayang kamu yang senyap-senyap doakan saya itu. Kamu memang hati suci...

I'm signing off for now.

Daaaaa~

Doa-Chairil Anwar

Kepada pemeluk teguh,

Tuhanku

Dalam termangu

Aku masih menyebut namamu

Biar susah sungguh

mengingat Kau penuh seluruh

cayaMu panas suci

tinggal kerdip lilin di kelam sunyi

Tuhanku

aku hilang bentuk

remuk

Tuhanku

aku mengembara di negeri asing

Tuhanku

di pintuMu aku mengetuk

aku tidak bisa berpaling

13 November 1943

Kalau korang pernah dengar lagu Aisyah (x sure tajuk dia apa),

Sure macam familiar dengan lirik di atas itu kan.

Aku pun baru tahu yang sebenarnya liriknya diambil dari puisi Chairl Anwar.

Lagu yang sangat touching dan puisi yang indah.

All this time, OneRepublic

Six on the second hand
Two new years resolutions
and there's just no question
what this man should do

take all the time lost
all the days that I cost
take what I took and
give it back to you

all this time
we were waiting for each other
all this time
I was waiting for you
we got all these words
can't waste them on another
so I'm straight in a straight line
running back to you

i don't know what day it is
i had to check the paper
i don't know the city
but it isn't home

but you say I'm lucky
to love something that loves me
but I'm torn as I could be
wherever I roam

Hear me say

all this time
we were waiting for each other
all this time
I was waiting for you
we got all these words
can't waste them on another
so I'm straight in a straight line
running back to you

yeah, all, running back to you
yeah, all, running back to you
yeah.....
Oh, every time is so far
It's just so far
to get back to where you are

all this time
we were waiting for each other
all this time
I was waiting for you
we got all these words
can't waste them on another
so I'm straight in a straight line
running back to you
I'm straight in a straight line
running back to you
straight in a straight line
running back to you

All this time...